NOT SATIRE. I searched the Epstein Files. For real. This is not satire. Please note, of course, that there are millions upon millions of files and none of the findings here suggest any wrongdoing.

Premier Wab Kinew held an emergency press conference this afternoon to announce the entire province was now under a Yellow Snow Advisory. “Don’t eat it. Don’t touch it. Don’t go anywhere near it,” ...

Millions of Americans were visibly upset this weekend after they had to sit through the Super Bowl’s first ever all-Plautdietsch halftime show. “Nobody understood a word of it,” said President Donald ...

Despite a more than $75 million bribe paid to the local farm implements dealership to host the film, the new documentary about my Taunte Lina has proven to be a huge flop. “We thought for sure we ...

World-renowned climber Alex Honnold has just accomplished the greatest feat of his career—free soloing the credit union building in Steinbach. “No one ever thought it could be done,” said climbing ...

Canadian provincial and federal leaders showed a united front this afternoon as they gathered in Saskatoon to see who was the better knipser. “Of course, Wab Kinew had a big advantage being from ...

After a thorough investigation, researches have finally uncovered the reason why so many Olympic medals were found to be broken this weekend: Mrs. Esther Brandt of Rosenort. “She was going around and ...

Area man Jake Loewen, 41, is really gearing up for the Super Bowl this weekend to distract himself from thinking about all the messed up things that have been going on lately. “All I am thinking about ...

Historians are breathing a sigh of relief this weekend as not a single mention of George Washington was discovered in the latest batch of Epstein files. “His name has been completely cleared,” said ...

The Canadian Olympic committee just announced that the entire team, in every sport, would be made up of Friesens and Froeses. “What can I say?” said bobsledder Peter Froese. “With a name like that, we ...

For those looking for an alternative halftime show to either Bad Bunny or Kid Rock, the Fresno Central Mennonite Church is inviting guests to listen to their choir this afternoon. “We felt that Kid ...

The state of Minnesota, famed for its lakes, cheese-stuffed hamburgers and association with the late musician Prince, has decided to forego all that and take on the new name ‘Manitoba South.’ “People ...